By Diane Holliday

I am an EFT Practitioner and like many others who have learned and use this amazing technique we also use other skills that complement and back up our work.  I have been using a version of role playing with EFT which I have called TFB, Thinking, Feeling and Being and it seems to be most useful with conflict resolution within families and couples.

A considerable percentage of my clients come with relationship issues and even though I do prefer to see 'both sides' I usually only get to see one party, the one who is willing to try a therapist.

At the outset, my client will want to provide me with enough details to justify his/her righteous anger, frustration, etc. This can be a vocal torrent or a person so quiet and withdrawn, finding that it is not easy to talk at all.

Once into the dialogue at the first session, when my client has had time to 'offload' and have done a few rounds of tapping on the pain, frustration, anger of the problem using questions such as: When did you realise your relationship was changing?  How long has this be going on? What made you think things were going wrong? How long have you been feeling like this? At each point during this 'recollection' we tap for the pain, anger or whatever comes up.

Then I will get them to take a step back and start the TFB; I ask the client to think about their partner, feel how he/she may be feeling and then think themselves into being that person. For instance a recent client, Sally with two children, married to John who physically assaulted her three years ago and who continues to be verbally abusive, so she is under constant stress and feels threatened.

Think about John and put yourself in his shoes

You are now John; feel how is it to 'be' him

Now you are being John, sink into that... smell, voice, attitude, posture and the look in the eyes

Therapist: OK John

QUESTION: what triggers your anger?              RESPONSE: Sally

Q: why does Sally make you so cross?         R: She is useless

Q: in what way is she useless?           R: she won't keep the place clean & tidy

Q: how important is that to you?         R: very, it's my home

Q: it's her home too    R: I don't want her to be here

Sally went into overwhelming grief, tapping until it subsided.

Then more tapping:

KC: Sally says Even though he wants me out he won't consider divorce or even separation…

EB: he wants me out

SE:  I am not wanted

UE:  he doesn't love me

UN: he hates me

CN:  I can't go on

CB:  I need out..with my children

UA:  I need some peace

Top of head:     peace and space

Having now calmed the grief we start again... this time from John's perspective.

KC: "Even though I don't want a divorce and I am OK" three times.

EB: we are a family

SE: I work Hard for them

UE: I am under pressure at work

UN: I do love them but they add to my stress

CH: if only the place was clean and tidy

CB: I do shout at Sally

UA: she deserves it

Deep breath and gentle tapping on the Collar bone: I want her to be more like my mother

This continued for some time, back and forth, pulling out even deeper issues from both sides. I asked Sally to considered forgiveness, particularly for the physical attack but at that time she was unable to do so. She did start to understand her husband's needs, even though she was unable to fulfill them all but it also gave her clear insight into her own needs.  The greatest of which was to increase her self-confidence, an understanding of her own self worth and find a way to create a dialogue in the home without fear of recrimination.

They are still together and they are talking… so far so good! Also I am convinced that the 'surrogate' effect is working when using this technique.

There are some people who don't find role play particularly easy but with some guidance it is quickly achievable. In most cases these people have lived together for some considerable time and do know each other very well, so once started they find the role play becomes easier.  In order to facilitate this, if necessary, I would ask about the other person's beliefs and values, where they see themselves in life, the many roles that they play. I would suggest that the client uses their intuition and 'listens' to what is happening.

After the role play I ask how both the people feel now, what made them change, the other influences in their lives, the pressures that may have contributed to the current crisis. Seeing from the other person's point of view, what is life like for them now?  This can and in most cases does, provide revealing insights. Once the client has 'lived' in the others shoes, even just for a few minutes, the issues can be readdressed with a more compassionate and understanding view.

This technique also works well with the parents of children with ADHD or learning difficulties. It helps the parents or caregivers to see out of the eyes of the child, it prevents their anger and frustration from becoming violent and abusive and enables the application of EFT to become even more effective.

Working with a client we realise how closely connected we are; just energy and a mass of atoms. We have learned responses and instincts, we respond to stimuli, verbal, written and spoken but all of us feel. We are sensitive to feelings, ours and others, but in many cases and for an increasing number of people, these intuitive responses have been dulled. This short addition to EFT helps to back to this more caring and intuitive frame of mind.

Diane Holliday