Grief

A grief case with many aspects

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Hi Everyone,

Grief is among the most prevalent emotional disturbances known and most of us experience it at least once in our lives. Interestingly, many folks in the healing professions equate grief with sadness and thus mistakenly think of it in rather narrow terms.

In reality, grief often has many aspects. For some it's main component is GUILT for what the griever said or did (or didn't say or do) while the deceased was still living. For some, it is the FEAR of being alone and for others it is ANGER at God or someone else for causing this loss.

And so it goes....

Obviously, if we are going to do a thorough job with grief, we must search for its underlying pieces and neutralize them with EFT. Mair Llewellyn of the UK professionally exhibits this skill in her article below. Please note how she handles the many aspects of grief that show up in this case.

I make some augmenting comments within her message.

Hugs, Gary


by Mair Llewellyn

"Cindy" made contact with me via a friend as she had not been able to come to terms with her late husband's death nearly three years ago. When she arrived her sadness and powerlessness were so evident - they emanated throughout the whole of her being.

During our first session she described to me what had been happening following his death. She said she felt totally unable to get past the point of a difference they had had just before he died. Apparently, just two days before her husband's death they had had a really bad argument regarding how they should react to one of their children's problems. Their child appeared to be effectively (albeit unconsciously) playing off one parent against another. This state of affairs had never been truly resolved and this was the point at which Cindy felt so stuck.

As a result of these differences Cindy also felt she had never really had the chance of a last goodbye. Her husband, Dave, had been suffering for some time with Parkinson's Disease, yet despite this disability there didn't appear to be an imminent end to his life. His sudden unexpected death had hit her so very hard.

Cindy really wanted to come to terms with the guilt as well as resolve the sadness of not having said her goodbyes.

GC COMMENT: Please note that so far Cindy's grief contains (1) an incomplete resolution of a problem, (2) the suddenness of the death, (3) guilt and (4) not being able to say goodbye There are more to come but I thought I would point these early ones out to give you some insights as to how intricate grief can be.

MAIR CONTINUES: A friend had already successfully introduced her to EFT for help with her insomnia. In view of this she felt a lot of confidence in the process. However, her friend felt she was too close, as a family friend, to help her become free of her emotional turmoil.

Fairly early into our first session Cindy gave me a list of her needs--an ideal starting place for EFT. The first need was regarding how her late husband and herself complemented one another. This need involved another perspective - hence the use of the word complement and not argument. We began with the following 'Set Up' statement:

"Even though our complementing one another highlighted our differences, I choose to accept our uniqueness"

Reminder phrases used through the whole of the basic recipe were :

Our differences, pulled us apart, complemented one another, created problems, and solved so many. Our differences, came between us, drew us together. We were a winning combination, our uniqueness, a great team.

After doing three rounds using alternating reminder phrases always ending on "A great team". Cindy reported that the 0-10 intensity of 9.5 was now a 2.0, and, in view of the nature of this problem, she wished to leave it there.

Cindy left feeling far less guilty without consciously addressing this particular issue. We discussed the possibility of her ringing me to work on anything that surfaced and arranged to meet for a second session in just one week.

On Cindy's second session she reported vast improvements in her feelings of well being. However, she had continued to do EFT several times on most days since her last session.

GC COMMENT: Ahhhh! The value of homework. Using EFT on oneself between sessions often moves many issues out of the way and uncovers new ones. Very useful for thorough work.

MAIR CONTINUES: Through this process of persisting with EFT, other problems had surfaced. Many of the issues that she had found herself working with were of childhood memories of arguments she had witnessed between her parents.

These additional memories enabled Cindy to finally address her current and past fear of conflict. Since doing this, she has noticed that she is more assertive and has been communicating more clearly. These improvements in self expression have also worked well with her children. Understanding just where these emotions sprang from has definitely helped Cindy put the last two days of Dave's life into a more positive perspective.

During our second session we planned and worked through the many aspects of loss and of sadness relating to the suddenness of her late husbands death. These were (1) not saying goodbye, (2) wanting one last embrace, (3) not saying how much she loved him and so on. There were many words that had been unsaid, many acts of kindness gone unnoticed, as well as much sadness as to his suffering the way that he had.

These aspects and many more were all part of our second session. During this session Cindy worked through many stages of her bereavement that had been arrested. These stages involved both angry feelings and frustrating & sad emotions. (All of these had been held inside.) In addition to these we worked on her being strong for her family, and being strong for his parents as well as on her fears for her future.

Together, we realised that this time of positive intention could really promote her healing. Cindy now knew that she was far better equipped than ever before to forgive herself and to limit the damaging effect of her guilty thoughts. When she left, her shoulders were no longer a burden for her to carry.

GC COMMENT: Please note that what started out as grief has become a launching pad for numerous healings. Addressing these multiple issues typically results in a healthier self-image and an ability to walk more lightly on this planet.

MAIR CONTINUES: It is now six months since that second session and Cindy 'phones me each month to discuss her progress. At the end of March she said "I keep noticing how much I have to love about my life".

Mair Llewellyn

 

 

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