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Other Emotional Issues


Relationship success after finding core issue

Important Note: This article was written prior to 2010 and is now outdated. Please use my newest advancement, Optimal EFT. It is more efficient, more powerful and clearly explained in my free e-book, The Unseen Therapist™.  Best wishes, Gary

Read this for a first class look at finding a core issue behind a relationship problem. Angela Treat Lyon takes us through the details of this case and asks her client if this circumstance "reminds him of anybody." That took the lid off and allowed a fruitful session with many positive outcomes.

By Angela Treat Lyon EFT-CC

One of my Success Coaching clients, "Don," wanted help with his conflict about his girlfriend of four years, saying his worry was affecting his business. "I'd like to get married," he told me, "I really love her, but I can't marry her the way she is."

It was obvious to me that it was a judgment issue on his part, and not a single thing to do with her, but I couldn't say that outright to him or he'd go on the defensive.

"Why not?" I asked. "What "way" is she?"

"I can't say anything to her without her reacting in some long negative song and dance. I can't even give her a compliment - she turns it into some complaint that's completely unrelated." For example, when he had commented that he liked her earrings. She said a brief "oh-these-old-things," and then went off about some guy who had rear-ended her in her car!

Don added, "And at the end of the day when I come home, she has a long laundry list of all the horrible things that have happened to her that day at work, and her terrible phone call with so-and-so, and - it's endless! I hate it!" He couldn't figure it out and wanted to get away from the constant influx of her negativity.

I asked him how he felt about it. So we tapped:

Even though "Sarah" really gets me mad

Even though she's always complaining and I hate it

Even though she's so negative all the time

Even though it makes me feel angry and resentful

I asked him again how he felt when she was "going off" like that. Don said he felt powerless to help her, and useless and weak. He resented it because it made him feel less than the man he felt he "ought" to be.

We tapped:

Even she makes me feel weak, powerless and useless

Even though I don't know what to do

Even though I don't know what she needs from me

Even though I feel resentful and angry at her for making me feel less than a man

I asked him if it reminded him of anybody, he said, "Yeah! It's just like my mother!"

GC COMMENT: Bingo!! There's almost always one or more core issues behind these resentments and Angela uncovered a good one with this question.

ANGELA CONTINUES: His face turned bright red! He looked like someone had turned on all the lights. He initiated the tapping, and I could hardly keep up:

Even though I'm with someone just like my mom!

Even though I hate how my mother acts!

Even though she's always got a hard or negative word for everyone

Even though my mother made me feel like a jerk all the time

Even though she made me feel like I'd probably be a failure and a failure at that, to boot

Even though I am FURIOUS!

I asked him what he thought someone might do if he felt weak and useless and a failure. Don said he guessed they'd probably try to cover it up with a good-old-boy demeanor, and a cheery or "up" attitude that was a fragile as an eggshell underneath. "Like me," he admitted.

Even though I'm all bluff and show

Even though I'm really afraid of being a failure

Even though I'm really angry at myself for not having stood up for myself

Even though I'm not a failure at all - look at what I've accomplished (he is an extremely successful professor and author)!

I asked him if he thought it was possible that Sarah was simply reflecting his own attitude towards himself, and that maybe she didn't like her negativity any more than he did? But didn't know how to get at whatever it was that annoyed her?

"Hmmm," was all he said, and he started to tap again:

Even though I haven't taken responsibility for my own feelings

Even though I haven't known how

Even though I didn't even realize how angry I was

And here we started to use choice statements:

I choose to be more aware of how Im feeling first before blaming Sarah for my feelings

I choose to take responsibility for how I feel and how my space feels

I choose to forgive my mother and Sarah and myself

I choose to choose happiness

Don and Sarah went on vacation for two weeks. When he came back, he reported that his relationship was "100% improved! I'm so happy, and so grateful! It's amazing - she doesn't complain at all anymore! It's just gone!" Not only that, but his business was flourishing, too.

GC COMMENT: Isn't it interesting how the dynamics within the relationship can change when only one person (Don, in this case) collapses important issues? Such issues are no longer there for EITHER party's reaction. All kinds of good things can happen .... including enhanced business success.

Angela Treat Lyon, EFT C-C


Explore our newest advancement, Optimal EFT™, by reading my free e-book, The Unseen Therapist™. More efficient. More powerful.