Other Emotional Issues

Anger Management

The cause of our anger isn't always as it appears

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Hi Everyone,

Sometimes we have excessive anger over a recent event (the intensity is extreme and "over the top"). In such cases, I find that the anger is usually reflecting off of a past unresolved anger issue and THAT is why the current anger seems so excessive. Nancy Morris illustrates this concept beautifully and expertly finds the true issue.

Hugs, Gary


By Nancy A. Morris, EFT-ADV

Bruce came to me full of anger and frustration over being cheated out of a large sum of money by a contractor.  He had been unable to sleep, would think about it during the night, and it was in the back of his mind all the time.  Bruce felt that it was eating him up and keeping him from enjoying his work and his life.  His level of intensity was 9-10 on a scale of 0 to 10.  I asked whether this reminded him of another time in his life.  He could not think of any connection.  So we started.

Background:  Bruce had made a verbal contract, a gentlemen’s agreement, to have some cabinetry made and he gave the contractor cash as a down payment.  Being a man of integrity and thinking he was a good judge of character Bruce, when offered a receipt, declined one.  He felt good about the agreement and was to receive the cabinetry in 5-6 weeks.  All the details of phone calls made to the contractor and never answered are not important here; suffice it to say Bruce had gotten to his wits end.  Finally, after 4 months had gone by, he decided the only way to get the status of the project was to go to the contractor’s shop and confront him.

Bruce’s “Movie” (for use with the EFT Movie Technique):  Upon arriving at the shop, Bruce had to provide a fake name; he had to lie.  Bruce said this is not in his nature but he could not come up with any other ideas to get by the secretary.  We tapped this down to a 1 or 2 and then proceeded with the movie.  As the secretary went down the hall to see if the contractor would see “Byron Grey”, Bruce’s alias, Bruce followed her without her knowing. 

His being sneaky in this way also had to be tapped down in order to proceed.  Upon coming face-to-face with the contractor, Bruce was told in a loud voice to “Get out of here”.  This had an intensity of 9 which we tapped on while yelling “get out of here” over and over loudly until the intensity was down to a 1-2.  The contractor then yelled to the secretary to “call the police” several times.  This was very frightening to Bruce and we tapped on this a great deal.  (More on this in a minute)

Bruce stood his ground and quietly asked what was going on … why would the contractor not return his calls?  Had he really started the cabinetry as he’d said the one time they talked on the phone?  If he was not getting the cabinetry, could he have his money back?  The contractor assured him the cabinets were nearly done and they would be delivered in two weeks time.  Promise?  Yes, you have my word.  Bruce left feeling he had accomplished something.  Three months later (now) no cabinets and no phone call and no money.

After going through the movie, the “call the police” statement seemed to be the crescendo.  As we tapped on this and the intensity came down to a reasonable level, I used reminder phrases such as “he was unreasonable, he yelled 'call the police', he cheated me and he wants to call the police on me, the sign on the door said welcome, and he wants to call the police, he must have real troubles in his life” (my way of starting toward compassion toward the contractor).  Bruce immediately said he was “not ready” to say that.  OK, good for him for knowing and saying something.

As I tapped on his KC point I pre-framed that I’d wander about a bit and he could adjust what I was saying if he liked.  I began tapping with him.

Even though I was stupid and naive…  Bruce agreed with this.

Even though I was stupid and naive, I love and forgive myself.  I keep my word.  I thought he would too.  I was disappointed.  

I could see that this rang true for Bruce and asked him when he’d been disappointed by a man in the past.  Immediately he came up with two specific incidents with his father when Bruce was a teen.  Both these incidents involved his father not standing up for Bruce, as Bruce had hoped a “strong man” would do for his son.

These were minor teenage issues and instead of handling them himself, his father called the police on Bruce.  We’d found the core!  Bruce had been unable to think of it earlier, but here we were with gold to mine.  We tapped both incidents down very quickly and Bruce easily moved to “I love and forgive my dad” (with tears in his eyes).  Bruce said it was a huge disappointment for him at the time to not be supported and protected by his dad but, knowing his father’s background, he now understood he was doing the best he could.  We tapped all of this until it was completely collapsed.

When we returned to the current incident, we tapped on I want to let go of this … how can I let go of this …, it’s been eating me up … I’m ready to let go of this, (and then Bruce added, on his own) I feel bad for him (meaning the contractor).  We pursued this line of compassion and acceptance for a few minutes until Bruce felt complete using these reminder phrases: He must feel terrible about himself … what must have happened to him to make him this way … imagine how his wife (the secretary) feels hearing her husband behave that way … hearing him lie … he must feel terrible inside about himself … he must not feel like a man … a man has integrity and keeps his word.

I received a card from Bruce that said “Thank you very much for the EFT session you gave me.  It is embarrassing to say, but pretty much every night before our session I had very unpleasant thoughts and could not get rid of them.  And last night for the first time, my relationship and the kind of thoughts I had were very different.  I felt more compassion for the whole situation and was way more powerful about the quality of my thoughts.  What a relief!  I am sitting here with tears in my eyes, full of thankfulness and appreciation.”

Reading this, I too had tears of gratitude for being allowed so deeply into someone’s life story and gratitude to Gary and all the other EFT Practitioners who share their knowledge and experiences so generously.

Nancy A. Morris, EFT-ADV

 

 

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