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Articles & Ideas


Having trouble "letting go" in the bedroom

Important Note: This article was written prior to 2010 and is now outdated. Please use my newest advancement, Optimal EFT. It is more efficient, more powerful and clearly explained in my free e-book, The Unseen Therapist™.  Best wishes, Gary

Note: This article assumes you have a working knowledge of EFT. Newcomers can still learn from it but are advised to peruse our Free Gold Standard (Official) EFT Tutorial™ for a more complete understanding.

Hi Everyone,

Nancy Morris skillfully gets down to core issues for this intimacy problem. As her article progresses, Nancy says, "Remember that when Monica initially contacted me she was unable to even talk about her abuse or remember anything beyond "the worst thing that happened". Now that we have cleared much of her energy around the abuse, she is feeling safer and able to proceed much deeper into specific core events."

Hugs, Gary

By Nancy Morris

When Monica contacted me she said she was having trouble letting go and being responsive with her partner. She had done a lot of therapy in her life but had not worked on her sexual abuse issues, had "been putting it off all my life" as she said. Now she felt ready (but afraid) to tackle this subject.

At the outset of our first appointment I assured Monica we could go slowly and gently into this subject and at her pace. Checking to see how she was doing, she said she felt nervousness in her chest at a level of intensity of 6 on a scale of 0 to 10. We tapped on "this nervousness in my chest" and after a one round of tapping it went down to a 4. The nervousness changed to fear, which she felt in her rib cage; we tapped on "this fear in my rib cage" until it was down to a 0. I asked her to say: "I'm ready to be free of this sexual abuse" to see how it felt to her. She said it felt OK and she was ready to start.

Monica said she had no specific memory of a particular incident but when she thought about "the worst thing with my dad" her intensity was a 10. We tapped on this general statement until it went down to a 2. Then she switched to "the oral sex thing" (NOTICE how it got more specific as she felt cleared on the general topic) and her intensity went up to a 9. We tapped on this phrase and then moved to the physical sensations (feelings in her throat and esophagus, pressure in her low back, and itching and throbbing in her vulva) working through them "chasing the pain" one at a time. To test our results we'd go back to the phrase "the oral sex thing" which came down to 0 out of 10 after several rounds of tapping on the various physical sensations.

I asked Monica if she had any specific memory at all regarding this abuse. She said "not really" but had a sense that when she was about 4 years old her dad came into her room and something happened that seemed wrong. She could still feel his "attitude of ownership" of her and that "he thinks he can do anything he wants". Her intensity was very high so we tapped on this incident focusing on what was clear to her ... the feeling he conveyed to her.

We tapped on "his attitude of ownership, he thinks he owns me, he can do anything he wants" and her fear and sadness went down to a 3 and was replaced by anger and rage. I always view this as a good sign-- moving from a victim place (fear and sadness) to a more powerful attitude (anger at the wrongness that occurred). We then tapped on "how dare he do this to me? I felt so small, disrespected, used, not valued". Monica was feeling this in her jaw and between her breasts; we again "chased the pain" through her various body sensations until they were all down to zero.

Once we cleared this scenario using EFT, another one came up. She got a "picture" of a large penis in front of her face (as a child) with no specific memory attached. Again the intensity started high, at a 9, and we tapped it down to a 4, 2, then 0. NOTICE that there was no specific memory of what happened and yet "the picture" no longer held intensity. This ended our first appointment.

At the second appointment Monica reported feeling lots of emotions and huge rage in her chest area over something that had happened with her boyfriend where she felt he was not there for her. I asked her who else had not been there for her and her reply was that she never felt her dad was there for her. (NOTICE that instead of tapping on her feelings about her boyfriend's behavior, we looked for the root cause of her response. Monica knew that she overreacted to her boyfriend's behavior.) She wanted to be her Dad's "special one" but his interest in pretty women and affection with her Mom felt like betrayal to her as a child. Monica felt rage at her dad at a 10.

We tapped on "this rage" and "blinding white rage toward dad and everything he represents" until it came down to a 4. I asked Monica if she could imagine a specific scene where she felt this rage toward him. There were several incidents as a child where she could remember his hypocrisy, for example, abusing her and then appearing pious in church. We were able to tap all these specific memories down to 0.

Next Monica focused on her mother not protecting her. She was at an 8 intensity level about this and, again using physical sensations, we were able to tap it down to zero and tested the results: she could say "Mom didn't protect me" and have zero intensity.

I asked Monica what her dad was like and she described him as depressed, immature, irrational, paranoid and arrogant. Her mom had 4 children in 4 years and more than had her hands full. I asked what her own qualities were and she said she was logical, intelligent, practical, kind, intuitive, vivacious, articulate and loving. At this point, Monica had a cognitive shift and volunteered that she "felt sorry for them".

Remember that when Monica initially contacted me she was unable to even talk about her abuse or remember anything beyond "the worst thing that happened". Now that we have cleared much of her energy around the abuse, she is feeling safer and able to proceed much deeper into specific core events.

We went on to work on more specifics that she was now able to remember, such as intercourse which happened several times, fingering, and anal intercourse all between the ages of 4 and 7 years old. This is hard to believe but the intensity on these now started at a level of intensity of 4 or 5 and Monica would end up actually laughing (with relief?) as the intensity got lower and would finally say she was bored with it. This from a woman who had put off working on her abuse issues for over 40 years!

Monica reported the next week that the more she did the tapping the more she realized that "structures that were rigid in me are dissolving. It feels like all of a sudden this big opening happened. I'm changing; I've made the decision to trust." She also reported that that very morning for the first time she'd effortlessly had a wonderful orgasm with her boyfriend!

Monica's willingness to work through her issues, her persistence, and her strong desire for real change, along with EFT tapping homework made the difference.

Big Hugs from Nancy Morris


Explore our newest advancement, Optimal EFT™, by reading my free e-book, The Unseen Therapist™. More efficient. More powerful.