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Articles & Ideas


Who do YOU think you are?

Important Note: This article was written prior to 2010 and is now outdated. Please use my newest advancement, Optimal EFT. It is more efficient, more powerful and clearly explained in my free e-book, The Unseen Therapist™.  Best wishes, Gary

Hi Everyone,

Listen in as EFT Master Ann Ross skillfully weaves EFT into managing our identities. Many insights here. Highly useful.

Hugs, Gary

By Ann Ross, EFT Master

I recently facilitated an EFT Retreat with Jaqui Crooks at beautiful Launde Abbey in Leicester.  The Retreat was focussed on healing our relationships with ourselves and the world around us.

It struck me, that we are so identified in our stories, that we can get “stuck” in judgement and criticism of ourselves and then we get stuck in “acting out” from the identity which has been created for us from the “writing on our walls”.

I use Gary’s analogy over and over again to help students and clients.  EFT is a powerful tool for transformation and can shift us from “who we are not” to an identity where just about anything can become possible for us.

Using EFT we can move gracefully and with ease in to Gary’s “Palace of Possibilities”.  This does not mean to say that there will be no discomfort, for as change happens we are stepping right out of our comfort zones into a new way of Being in the world.  The good thing about that is, we know we are changing when we feel uncomfortable and very often there can be chaos before peace. 

There is also learning in our discomfort.  If we can see the whole experience of change within us as a learning experience, rather than a trauma, the process can be more easily understood and released.  If we can ask questions in a spirit of inquiry rather than judgment, it can be a golden opportunity for deep clearing.  My experience is that using EFT is far gentler than any other technique I have come across.

Our identity is mostly learned from childhood, parents, teachers, siblings, and in our adult lives, our identity is coloured by TV, magazines and the media which tells us in glorious Technicolor and Surround sound that in order to be loved and acceptable we have to be a particular size, smoke a particular brand of cigar or wear designer labels.  Our identity becomes invested in how much we earn, whether we are successful (or not) how many holidays we have and how many cars there are in the garage. 

For example:

  • I am a person who has to be perfect.
  • I am a person who is a therapist
  • I am a person who is afraid of failing

If all of this were to fall away who would you BE?

It is from identifying ourselves in this way that we get trapped and we “act out” life from the perspective of who we are NOT.

We get lost in the identity of who we are not.

We can change our identity through tapping away what we do not like and cannot accept about ourselves (and others).  When this happens we give ourselves permission to act out our new identity, which is more authentic and real.  It is natural to be who we really are when we are being true to ourselves.  It is coming home to love. Life becomes easier and starts to flow….

Think of the things you dislike/hate the most about other people.

You might like to make a list.

For example:

  • I hate it when people tell lies
  • I hate it when people let me down
  • I hate it when people judge or criticise me
  • I hate it when people hurt me.

These internal thoughts can create the very thing you hate the most! These thoughts become a self fulfilling prophecy, and we give our selves evidence, vehemently and eloquently. “You see?  This shows you how I try but nothing works”.

When we look at others and find them lacking in some way, we are simply looking at the differences in the “writing on our walls”.  Because we are all so different, each individual gets to have unique writing on their walls, which is peculiar to them and nobody else.  There may be some similarities but there will always be differences.

We tend to complain when life does not go our way and may even insist that the blame is definitely “outside” of us.  It is always “outside” of us.  We blame the husband, the wife, and the politicians and in the UK we even blame the weather!

But, how can we recognise that something is “wrong” if we do not have it inside of us?  From where inside of us can we “see” that something is not right?

Our relationships are often a mirror for exactly what is going on inside of us!  Our life is a mirror of our thoughts and feelings.

When we judge and criticise others we have to be doing it from a place inside of ourselves that we do not like about ourselves.

It is called projection.  We think we know what other people are thinking and when we judge and criticise them, it makes us feel better, for in those moments someone else is WORSE or LESS than we are.

On my courses I often give the example of the boardroom table and the Directors sitting around a beautiful bowl of flowers.  There may be 10 or 20 people sitting around the table all looking at the same flowers.  One person will see a rose, the other a daffodil, the next a piece of fern or ribbon and they will argue and get hot under the collar and defend their point of view hotly.  However, they are all arguing about the same bunch of flowers!  Each Director will be experiencing and seeing something totally different - it will be a different angle, a different perspective.

And, they are all getting it right!!  What if - we are all getting it right and we just have a different perspective of life?  What if - we could respect our differences?  What if - we could find common ground without being stuck in judgment?

Instead of being tied up in the identity of who somebody else thinks we should be, or we ought to be, or we learned to be, how much more healthy to choose who we want to be in the world and begin to act that out!

Here are some EFT statements for you to try on, just like a new shirt or a new dress.

It is important to discover who YOU think you are first.

Fill a sheet of paper with statements starting:

I am a person who…..

I am a person who…

I am a person who…

For example:

  • I am a person who feels guilty when I don’t call my Mother
  • I am a person who cannot say “no” because….
  • I am a person who cannot be true to myself because..

Next Step:

Where did you learn this belief?

Who taught you that?

How do you know that about yourself?

You may end up with a list of information about yourself that displeases you.

Draw a line down the centre of a page.

On the left hand side write down the statements that upset you or give you the most emotional discomfort out of the ones that you have written down.

Notice your feelings and write them down underneath your statement.

You are clear now how you feel when you identify yourself in this way.  It is going on in your mind anyway and it might be helpful to bring it to the surface so it no longer remains hidden from you (for whatever reason).

In the right hand column write down the complete opposite. You are clear now about your beliefs about yourself.  You have a starting point.  The right hand column is how you want to BE in the world.


 Who I think I am Who I Really am

I am a person who cannot say “no”.                                  I can say “yes” to ME.

Feelings:                                                                      Feelings:

Trapped, frightened, sad, pressurised                          Strong, self empowered.


Even though I am a person who cannot say “no” I love and accept that part of me anyway.

Even though I am a person who cannot say “no” because I might not be loved or liked if I say “no”, I love and accept all those parts of me no matter what!

Even though it is hard for me to say “no” I choose to say “yes” to ME and honour myself.

Reminder phrase:

It is really hard to say “no”.  Not acceptable to say “no”.  They will reject me.  I can’t do it. It is too scary.

Even though I can’t say no because they will not love/like me anymore I choose to say YES to me, maybe I could love myself enough to say “no”.

Even though I’m not important enough to say “yes” to, I choose to say “yes” to me, , anyway because I am worth it!

Even though they won’t love me any more I choose to know that maybe I can love ME even more!

Reminder Phrase:

They won’t love me any more.  Definitely not.  I can’t do it. I’ll be letting them down. This is too scary.  Maybe, maybe not.  What if I could?

Even though saying “yes” to me is selfish, I choose to know that unselfishness breeds resentment and I don’t want to be resentful.

Even though I can’t say “no”- what will people think?  I choose to know that they might respect me a lot more.

Even though it’s really hard to say “no” I choose to know I can say it from a loving strength inside of me. 

Reminder Phrase:

I love the feeling of being strong enough to say “no”.  I feel good.  Strong.  Free. Loved. I love ME. Saying no feels good.

Become creative and tap as much as you need to until you are in alignment with your right hand column!

Tap away any “tail enders” to being who YOU really are despite what others think!

When we change ourselves at identity level, the whole world begins to change around us, and people, events, and circumstances are perceived differently.  We can live a life of fulfilment and happiness, loving and accepting ourselves and others.

“When you are inspired by some great purpose, some extraordinary project, all of your thoughts breaks their bonds:  your mind transcends limitations, your consciousness expands in every direction and you find yourself in a new, great and wonderful world.  

Dormant forces, faculties and talents become alive and you discover yourself to be a greater person than you ever dreamed yourself to be. 

-Patanjali            Indian Philosopher  

Ann Ross



Explore our newest advancement, Optimal EFT™, by reading my free e-book, The Unseen Therapist™. More efficient. More powerful.