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Other Emotional Issues

Anger Management

A First Class use of Surrogate EFT for Bill's anger and behavior issues

Important Note: This article was written prior to 2010 and is now outdated. Please use my newest advancement, Optimal EFT. It is more efficient, more powerful and clearly explained in my free e-book, The Unseen Therapist™.  Best wishes, Gary

Hi Everyone,

Read how Nancy Morris works with "Helen" to provide surrogate EFT benefits regarding her son's traumatic birth. Many quality insights and procedures here. If you are concerned about surrogate permission issues see this article.

Hugs, Gary

By Nancy Morris, EFTCert-I

When Helen initially contacted me, this was her message: "I would like help regarding surrogate EFT for my son, Bill. He had a traumatic birth and has had anger and rage issues 'from the get-go'. He's a wonderful guy, with great principles and an amazing intellect, but the anger and associated personality issues are really detrimental to his life. I would try to persuade him to give EFT a try himself, but I think that would be hopeless. Could you guide me in this effort?" With such a loving attitude and clear view of her son I was delighted to work with Helen. We had 2 phone appointments, which I've outlined below.

During the first appointment Helen gave clear examples of Bill's self-defeating behavior. He pushes everyone's buttons on purpose; he tries to be outrageous to get attention; he uses anger and insulting behavior; he's easily angered and defensive; he seems to have a chip on his shoulder and always take immediate offense. Helen said again that she worries for his safety since he ignites aggression around him and toward him. Her wish was that he could feel comfortable in his skin.

As Helen laid this out she said she felt badly that as a child she couldn't protect him. He'd had a traumatic birth and had to have many medical procedures immediately after his birth. Helen could feel this guilt in her stomach, chest and throat. We did some EFT for Helen:

Even though I let Bill down, I love and forgive myself.

More aspects came up that Helen felt guilty about: not taking enough time off work when he was an infant, that Bill was an unplanned baby, that she was too old to have a baby, she was too tired. Helen's intensity was at a level of 8 on a scale of 0 to 10. We did more tapping on all of these aspects, always focusing on forgiving herself and her intensity went from 8 to 4 to ½ and finally down to 0.

Now that Helen was feeling clear, we focused on surrogate tapping on Bill's behalf. We began with:

Even though I'm Bill and I have all this anger, I love and accept myself (we said this very strong and loud).
Even though I'm Bill and I feel angry most of the time...
Even though I'm Bill and I have all this anger, I'd prefer to feel peaceful and calm.

Then we tapped around the EFT points while repeating these phrases: this anger, this anger, it's right under the surface, I have to protect myself, I love and accept myself, I need anger to keep myself safe, it's been that way since I was a kid, this anger has protected me, I love and accept how I've protected myself, I'd prefer to feel safe and peaceful, what would that be like?, feeling safe AND peaceful at the same time, no matter what, I love and accept myself as I am.

When I asked Helen where she thought Bill's anger came from if she imagined herself as he felt as a small boy, she said he wanted to be his parent's priority and knew he wasn't. We agreed that would make a child angry, even if there was very good reasons why parents had to work. So we tapped:

Even though I'm Bill and I should've come first, I didn't always and I accept that.
Even though I'm Bill and I should've come first, and I'm angry that I didn't... (tapping as if we are very young Bill)
Even though I'm Bill and I wish I'd come first all the time, I didn't always come first and I accept that.

Then we tapped around with these reminder phrases: should've come first, wish I'd always come first, wish my parents could've given me attention all the time, wish my mom could've stayed home with me, I wanted to come first, I love and accept myself.

On the next round, I added phrases about loving and forgiving:

Even though I'm Bill and I should've come first, I didn't always, and I love and accept my parents and appreciate the care they gave me.
Even though I'm Bill and I should've come first, I forgive my parents.
Even though I'm Bill and I should've come first, I didn't always, I accept that and I know my parents did the best they could given who they were at the time.

Then we tapped around with these reminder phrases: wish I'd always come first, I love and forgive my Mom, wish my parents could've given me attention all the time, I understand their difficulties at the time, wish my Mom could've stayed home with me, All kids want that and I accept that she couldn't, I wanted to come first, I love and accept myself, their choices had nothing to do with my value, I know that they loved me, I love and forgive all of us, I'm grateful for the upbringing they gave me and how much they love me even today. This ended our first session.

During our next appointment, Helen and I focused on identifying the attributes that she would want her son to enjoy. Helen came up with: optimism, thinking before speaking, empathy, compassion, kindness, confidence, initiative, ability to handle rejection. When I asked why she wanted these for him she replied it was "so he'll feel happier and stay safe". We did a great deal of tapping, both of us pretending once again that we were Bill and contrasting the "usual" feelings Bill had to a more positive one. For example:

Even though I'm Bill and I feel full of sadness, I love and accept myself (we said this very strong and loud) and I'd prefer to feel optimistic. Then we'd tap around alternating between "sad" and "optimistic".

We continued with setup phrases and reminder phrases that included all Bill's difficult feelings and behaviors (rage, frustration, sarcasm, laziness, procrastination, anger) and balancing them with their opposite. Often we would say in the midst of the surrogate tapping, as if we were Bill, "I wonder how that would feel?" or "I wonder how people would react toward me?" or "I wonder what life would feel like?"

About a year later I received this note from Helen. (I've shortened it and changed some things to make it more anonymous, but they are her words otherwise, and Bill's life!)

"Hi, Nancy, I just sent an email to a friend about EFT and my work with you and its results. I realized that I should update you on those results as well. Bill has done a complete turn-around. Totally on his own initiative he...

  • Signed up for German language lessons at a community college in the town where he was in college,
  • He's worked to improve his grades
  • Bought a GMAT study guide that weighed about 10 pounds and plugged his way completely through it over his school break
  • Made a 730 on the GMAT
  • Completed applications to a number of universities for admission to their masters of science programs
  • Will begin a very high ranked masters of science program in the summer and the school gave him a scholarship for which he did not even apply
  • He is eating for health and to lose weight
  • He works out every day
  • He is affable and a pleasure to be around"

It's a total turn around. Is it all attributable to EFT? Maybe not; I certainly can't prove that it is. But might EFT have been the catalyst, at least. I believe so. When I began to catalogue the dramatic changes in his behavior, when nothing had worked in the past, my belief in the efficacy of EFT was greatly reinforced. Bill has really found himself. He is grounded, centered, and has integrity. The obvious thing is that this is not a normal maturation process but a sudden and abrupt change to a whole new direction."

Gary, maybe EFT is another way to "send good energy" to someone or to "pray" for someone. who knows? I'm just glad it seems to work!

Big Hugs,

Nancy Morris, EFTCert-I


Explore our newest advancement, Optimal EFT™, by reading my free e-book, The Unseen Therapist™. More efficient. More powerful.