By Nancy Porter-Steele, Ph.D., TSTA, RMFTC

Hi, Gary.

Some time ago, I accepted a request to conduct psychotherapy by email using EFT, with the agreement that the client would write up her experience and allow me to publish it; and the further agreement that if it took me more than a few minutes now and then, we would work out a monetary payment as well. Here is the result.

           

From: Jane Doe

From age five, when my parents separated, with my father, brother, toys and dog just disappearing from my life and my mother telling me no one wanted me, I was in fear of being killed. My mother indulged in jealous rages and taught me self-hatred. Outside I was pretty, outgoing and optimistic; inside looked black.

I repressed and held in my anxieties and irrational thoughts. My stomach and muscles were always tight. Worry dominated my life. However, I was a good athlete, which allowed me some self-esteem; and I was determined to have a good life.

         I married an easygoing athlete, and got away from my mother physically, but she was always in my head, twisting my thoughts. I believed I didn’t count, he did. Later I realized I had a hidden belief that if I put him first in the short run I would have his help in the long run. For years I was a traditional wife-and-mother. Then I began work and developed a very successful business career. As I became recognized, some chauvinist colleagues became jealous. They met with my husband to try to stop my success. He sided with them. I realized my expectation of his support in the long run had been false.

         Divorced, I started trying to find myself. I spent fifteen years trying many methods, counselling, yoga, meditation, massage, reiki, self-esteem classes, medications intended to break down subconscious resistance, a deep breathing and focusing method that made me cough violently and throw up. I was always working against myself, though — fifteen years of psychological reversal, based on the fear of being killed if I helped myself, which I did not know was in my mind. Very expensive, very exhausting, and unrewarding over all. I had begun to contact the childhood trauma, but without a way of releasing its effects.

         The therapists I had gone to had diagnosed me as having a personality disorder and self-destructive mentality. My life was fractured; my psyche was a mess of contradictions, very dissociated. I kept to myself, money exhausted, hiding a lot. An internet money coach started working with me on shame, blame and not asking for what I want, but as my inner hell became evident, he stopped, because this was work for a therapist, not a coach.

         Distraught from being rejected by the coach, I accepted the persuasion of a former associate who had taken a seminar on EFT, was doing it every day, and had experienced relief of his asthma. I wasn’t able to say out loud “I accept myself”; I would swallow my words; but we kept working together. I moved into his house and we worked every night with EFT. As we progressed I started coughing hard again, now realizing this was part of the release of the bad stuff from childhood. We worked on a trauma-less approach.

         I was not clear what the internal problems were. I knew I had problems relating to people, and problems knowing myself. I tried going to sleep listening to tapes designed to implant good thoughts. This made me fearful, anxious, and physically ill. But it was working. The tapes brought the subjects to the surface and I tapped them out, with my housemate’s help.  I worked on releasing past relationships, spirituality vs Christianity, loving myself, opening to love. I hardly went to work for four months.  Luckily, my job allows me to sell large products quickly, so I could sell once a month, and get a commission, enough to live on.

         I now felt worthy of a good therapist. Nancy Porter-Steele agreed to work with me by email, provided I would write up my experience and allow it to be published.

         Nancy used Transactional Analysis (ego states) and psychotherapy. On my own, I still couldn’t see what was going wrong with me. Therapists had said I was my own worst enemy. Nancy pointed out where to work and what to tap on. I did the work and kept tapping. My cough was subsiding (less bad stuff to get out). I was winning. Working with the psychological reversal helped me to get past the traps that existed in my subconscious. Nancy and I emailed for about a month and I worked night and day, tapping. I got clearer and clearer, and finally got more of a clear picture of the wonderful me.

         I started EFT in September, and with Nancy's help during the following March, my life has straightened out. I have made a commitment to a healthy lifestyle and I am adjusting to it, as it's OK for things to go right in my life.  I am letting people come closer to me without having conflict, and my business is starting to fall in place.

         I can appreciate the healthy parts of my personality: a sense of humour, fun, the values of good work ethics, and love of family which came from my father's teachings in the early years.

         I still tap every day, and it is part of my lifestyle. Some of my realizations: When I was a child, my mother emotionally traumatized me whenever I did things that were right for myself. She punished me when I succeeded. She taught me to hate and to be judgmental of people's faults. I blamed myself for all my problems. I was molested when I was 11 years old by my mother's lover; she led him to my bed. This corrupted my sexuality, leaving me very rigid with respect to sex.

         Having been diagnosed with a personality disorder and self-destructive mentality had left me with the question: how do I change my personality to become healthy and self supporting? The answer: good guidance into the abyss of the subconscious, learning to be specific (by starting generally) and tapping out the bad stuff. I have more clarity each day. A happier person is appearing.

Here are some notes of the emails between Nancy and me in my process of uncovering my wonderful self.

(I had emailed to Nancy about how smart she is)

N:  Jane, so far as my being smart, keep in mind that 'it takes one to know one.' This suggests an item for you to tap on: “I see good qualities in others, don't realize I'm projecting them”

         Looks to me like you made some early decisions about 'I shouldn't be me' or 'I am not important' 'whatever I do, I won't succeed' or something similar.

I will suggest a different technique to use for investigating what it is that hasn't been let go of yet, if you're willing to try it out:  Set up two chairs facing each other. In the first chair, be the grownup person that you are, with all your experience and life learning. In the other chair be the little girl that you were.

         As the grownup, talk to the little Jane in this general fashion: (Leave a pause now and then and find out what the little girl is feeling and wants to say.)

         'I'm the grownup Jane. I grew out of you. I'm with you for the rest of your life. We can never be separated, we're in the same body. I wasn't there back then, because I had to grow out of you. You're the most important person in the world to me. If it weren't for you, I wouldn't be here.

         'I want to know anything that you need and want so that I can use my grownup abilities to take care of you now. Will you tell me?

         'Will you tell me what stands in the way of being comfortable with both taking care of myself and doing my work?'

         Another way to ask this, depending on what seems more clear to the Child in you, is 'What is the good intention of limiting myself to either taking good care of myself, or getting my work done?'

         It is possible that you will come across a stubborn or rebellious, autonomy-seeking aspect of the Child. If so, welcome her with joy, find out everything she has to say, appreciate her strength and loyalty to her beliefs and decisions, and let me know what she informs you.

         You said:  “I did not relate to the die or be killed issue, because I didn't want to think it possible to think such a horrible thought.”

         Jane, this kind of belief is frequent among children who are not given the kind of parenting they need, regardless of the circumstances. Inevitable, really, given the way a child's mind is structured. Nothing to be ashamed of.

         Let me know how this latest experiment goes.

Next:

Jane,

Your 3-year-old is a champion. She deserves much praise for being stubborn and determined and doing what she had decided was necessary all these years. When she is satisfied with your changes, my guess is she will be happy to turn over the work she's been doing to the grownup Jane, and head for happy times, playing in the ways that suit her best, probably including enjoying entrepreneurship.

         What no child could ever know is that automatically, in childhood, a copy of mother is being stored. That copy, carried with you 24 hours a day, is a constant influence, which either you are accepting or fighting against, in either case using up energy. You can change the mother you've had in your own system.

         I suggest tapping on this:

...I've had this vicious mother living in my head all these years...

...I haven't yet released the mother who treats me so badly...

...this remaining mother influence...

Let me know how this goes.

Nancy

Next:

Ask around inside yourself:

'Will the part that knows what stands in the way of my being independent please be so kind as to talk to me and tell me what positive it's trying to do for me?'

         Make notes on the response. Then do the same thing for: 'Will the part that knows what stands in the way of my being capable of providing for myself please be so kind as to talk to me and tell me what positive it's trying to do for me?'

         'Will the part that knows what stands in the way of my caring for my entire self, both grownup and child, please be so kind as to talk to me and tell me what positive it's trying to do for me?'

         This will probably clarify the issues to tap on.

         Again, it may be that the stubborn child is in the picture, for example: 'Mother said I was no-good, so I'll show her how no-good I can be.' If some response like this arises, be appreciative and celebrate the Child for whatever she says and whatever she has been doing, because it was intendedto support autonomy. Absolutely no negative view of the Child!

         If you have doubt what issue to tap on, write me what the responses to your questions were and I'll help sort them.

Nancy

Next:

 J: I am doing pretty good...really being able to figure things out in my improvement in exercises and food.  So I am quite proud of myself.  Also, I am talking every day to my 3 year old inner child and we are getting along very well.

N: Congratulations. Great.

J: I just have one dilemma...When I try to work (earn a living) for my own well-being, I meet with stress and defeat, easy enough to do if I am working for my family. 

N: Try out: '...have believed it was either me or others...'  '...haven't yet realized I can only truly support others if I support myself...'

J: Also, my mind bounces back between choices of working and being independent or having a great guy? (this does not seem together for me)

N: Try out: '...this funny idea that a really great guy would want a helpless, dependent woman...' '...have yet to learn about being interdependent, two competent people together...'

         Looks to me like it's part of getting psychologically separated and self-responsible without becoming isolated and artificially independent, instead of interdependent, a problem that developmentally is from age 2-3.

Keep on with the inner child work at that age.

J: The work we started on just keeps processing in me for the better.  I

feel happy about my life, I feel unblocked in most cases.

N: Terrific. Carry on.

Next:

J: I have done the exercises with my mother, father and grandfather in another chair and tapped for them (very effective). I am getting more secure in self.

         I realize, however, that I resist money. I have a bunch of beliefs that money has power over me and makes me bad.

         Any thoughts for this block.  I am getting a business coach to help me strengthen my approach to my business and increase my numbers (so I need to let go of what stops me, so I can get on track and stay there).  I have done this with food and exercise, but I need to do it with business.

         Thanks, Jane

Next:

Got a real estate coach and let go of fearing death for wanting and getting what I needed and wanted.

Thanks, Nancy. I was told I was crazy! So maybe crazy people are just full of fear, that they will die or be killed if they get healthy?

Jane