By Lena Chen

Dear Gary,

Ben (not his real name), who is in his sixties, came to me after attending my EFT workshop complaining to me about stiffness in his left arm. He was unable to lift his arm above shoulder level, and experienced tightness at his shoulder joint.

In our first session we did mechanical EFT because I wanted to keep things simple to make sure he had the confidence to practice EFT at home. I added some affirmations about forgiving those who contributed to this problem in one way or another, and for accepting the tightness. By the end of the session, he was able to lift his arm all the way up, with a small amount of tightness, which was a huge surprise to him, and he jokingly asked, "Are you performing magic?"

On our 2nd session a week later, he told me he has been doing EFT daily and each time he would experience a bit more tightness than usual, but after he takes a nap, he would experience considerable improvement. I explained to him that for some people, there is a time lag, and as long as he notices improvement, it means he is on the right track. He was still able to lift his arm all the way, and rated the tightness at 6 on a scale of 0 to 10.

He told me that he had a stroke 3 years previously and that the tightness has continued after that. I asked him what happened at the time of the stroke. He said, retirement and depression due to his brother-in-law's accusation of him cheating his mother-in-law. I felt that the latter seemed rather significant, and he admitted that he has not gotten over the matter, and neither did he want to bother about it.

Because he has attended my workshop where I had explained the mind-body connection and how physical issues can have underlying emotional issues, he was able to accept my hypothesis that his unresolved feelings towards his brother-in-law was resulting in the pain in his left shoulder. I suggested that he have an imaginary dialogue with his brother-in-law. This is a technique I learned from hypnotherapy, and I have tried this with many of my clients, together with EFT, with great results. I explain the exercise to my clients this way:

"I would like you to imagine [this person] sitting in this chair opposite you. This would be a dialogue unlike previous real-life dialogues. The only reason why he is here today is for him to listen to you, and understand how his actions have caused you pain. He has no right to defend himself or to respond to you, unless we give him permission to do so. You have the opportunity to tell him everything that he needs to know, not just for your own sake, but also for his sake, because if he does not see the consequences of his actions, he will continue to make the same mistakes."

Usually when I put it to clients this way, they are more than ready to start the dialogue, and so was Ben. Clients can do it with eyes open or eyes closed. Sometimes I give them the choice. Sometimes I suggest to them the more appropriate option, depending on what my intuition tells me. For clients who don’t mind me tapping on them, I may ask them to do the dialogue with eyes closed while I tap on them with their permission. For clients whereby such close contact isn't feasible, I ask them to do the karate chop during the dialogue, and I tell them that I will be doing surrogate tapping for them throughout.

For Ben, I chose the latter option. He dialogued with his brother-in-law with his eyes open, and I was surprised how he simply went with the flow. For such dialogues, my main intent is:

1) To let the client vent as fully as possible,

2) To facilitate a dialogue between the client and the other party so that the client finally feels heard and understood by the other party,

3) To explore the other party's side of the story, so that the client comes to the realization that usually the other party did not intentionally hurt the client and that he (or she) was doing the best he could, which naturally leads to forgiveness

The benefits of doing this therapy, I find, are many. First, I become merely a facilitator, and I do not need to lead the client very much, or provide the insights for him. Second, talking directly to the offender tunes the client right into the issue, which allows deep releasing through the direct and surrogate tapping. Third, often just by letting the client and the other party dialogue with each other, the client gains empathy for the other party which allows him to forgive and let go. In fact, the client needs to literally step into the offender's shoes in order to speak on his behalf, and this can provide powerful shifts in perspective for quicker releasing. Last but not least, as I often lead the client to do surrogate tapping for the other party, the relationship is healed on many layers.

Ben started off with lecturing his brother-in-law about his irresponsibility. When he was done, I asked Ben to tell me what was the expression on his brother-in-law's face. The answer was that he was nonchalant as usual. With some encouragement from me, Ben told his brother-in-law about how the latter has caused him to have depression and stroke, and we interspersed the dialogue with EFT tapping such as:

Even though you accused me of cheating regarding your mother's money when I was taking care of her on your behalf and I want to kill you for that…

Even though you are jealous of me…

Even though you caused me to have depression and stroke…

When tapping on the rest of the EFT points, I led Ben in saying "I want to kill you" and "You deserve to die" for each point, which made him laugh. After that round, he told me that he used to put in a good word for his brother-in-law in front of his parents. I told him to tell that to his brother-in-law directly, which he did, with less anger than before.

Then I told Ben that I was going to speak to his bro-in-law directly and he was to respond on his behalf. I asked his bro-in-law to explain his actions. The "latter" told me that he was adopted and felt insecure about his financial situation, that he had to get rid of the client in order to get a bigger share of his mother's money. I asked him if he knew he had caused Ben to have a stroke and depression, and if he intentionally did so. He said no, though now he did. He also explained that he was jealous of Ben because everyone liked him and took care of him.

Then I asked Ben to respond to his bro-in-law, after hearing what "he" said. After some dialoguing, I asked Ben to rate his blame, and it was reduced to 4 on a scale of 0 to 10 because it turned out that his bro-in-law also hurt his sister, Ben's wife. We did more tapping on that.

Even though you hurt my wife and your parents…

Even though I still blame you…

Even though I still cannot forgive you…

When tapping on the rest of the EFT points, I led Ben in saying "I want to kill you" again. He couldn't say the words at all, as he no longer felt that way towards him, so I stuck to "I blame you". After that round, his blame came down to 2 out of 10 and we tapped another round.

Even though I still blame you, I choose to let you go because I deserve to be happy, and my body deserves to be happy.

Even though I am still affected by you, I am willing to forgive you because I want to be free.

Even though I still can't forgive you, I forgive myself and I accept my feelings.

After that, Ben was surprised to feel no more blame towards his brother in law. Normally I would stop here and start to end the session, but I was guided to ask him to do the karate chop and say the following to his brother-in-law.

Thank you for being here today.

Thank you for listening to me.

Thank you for willing to share with me.

Thank you for helping me to forgive you.

Thank you for allowing me to be free.

I hope you will be free one day too.

During this process, I felt goosebumps which is usually an indication of something really good happening, and Ben told me that his brother-in-law was smiling at him.

After Ben said goodbye to his brother-in-law and his brother-in-law had "left" the session, I asked Ben to check the tightness in his arm. With great surprise, he was able to lift his arm all the way up without any tightness at all, and again he said to me, "You are performing magic!".

A side-note here. When my client is engaging in dialogue, I would normally close my eyes and surrogate tap at my usual lightning speed, tapping points on both sides. I would clear my head and see myself as a "tapping tool", where I am tapping for the relationship between both parties, and visualize white light on the client, the other party and myself. I know that such dialogue is usually very powerful therapy, and I do believe that incorporating EFT makes the healing go even deeper, as well as reduces the intensity of this otherwise very intense therapy.

Nearly every time I get the opportunity to use this therapy combination in sessions, my clients report feeling great shifts and they are almost always able to empathize and forgive the offender after that. The best thing is, they also come back in the next session, telling me that not only do they respond differently to the other party, the latter actually behaves differently towards them as well. A client who dialogued with his father reported in the next session that he had a good phone chat with his father who didn't nag at him for once. Another client who dialogued with her daughter reported in the next session that her daughter was coming home much more early and was responding more warmly to her. My belief about this therapy is that far from being just an imaginary dialogue, we literally connect to the other party on an energetic level, so the therapy benefits them as well.

Ben also told me that he has been sharing my article on EFT with all his family and he even did EFT on his grandson who was always shouting. After just one session with him, he no longer shouts as much and his mother even asked Ben, "What did you do with my son?".

I truly think that EFT is a miracle, and I feel so blessed to be seeing miracles happening in my work on a regular basis. Thanks so much Gary for bringing this gift of healing to the world.

Luv, Lena

Follow-up info

As I have received a few emails about my article on Dialoguing with EFT where some of them expressed interest in this therapy combination and wanted to know how I did it, I thought I would share some of the guidelines I use in facilitating imaginary dialogues.

First of all, I find it very useful to always check for the other party's expression. This would give me a clue as to how well received the client's words were and the amount of tension between the two parties. If the expression is negative, I normally tap with the client for e.g. Even though he looks angry, I deeply and completely accept myself anyway", before I allow the other party to respond. I do this because we are usually triggered by another person's negative emotions, and tapping would allow the client to be more neutral and receptive to the other party's response.

Second, the client's words should focus on consequences of the other person's actions on himself. If the client starts preaching towards the other party or asking the other party to change, gently guide the client to focus on how the other party has made him feel. The intention is to allow the client to acknowledge his own feelings and be given the chance to ventilate. If the client is inhibited about doing so due to perhaps fear of offending the other party, TAP! Make sure that the client is fully done before giving the other party a chance to respond.

Third, when the other party responds, make sure the other party does not criticize or demean the client, but to explain the reasons behind his actions. If necessary, prompt with questions like, "Did your parents bring you up to be this way?", "What experiences did you go through in your life that made you behave in this manner?". One very useful question to use is, "Did you want to make the client feel this way on purpose?" Usually the answer is no, and the other party would automatically want to elaborate on the cause behind his actions.

Fourth, if the other party remains resistant and refuses to communicate, ask the client to check if there are any dark areas on the other party's body that indicate blockages of any kind. Depending on client's preference, the therapist could (1) lead the client to tap for his own feelings in response to the other party's resistance, (2) lead the client to tap for the other party's blockages, and sometimes it would reduce or even clear up, (3) dialogue with the other party's blockage through the client to gain understanding about the other party's issues, (4) invite the other party's guardian angels (or whatever term that feels right to therapist and client) to help facilitate the dialogue, (5) ask the client to project his feelings directly into the other party. Possibilities are limited only to the therapist's own creativity.

Note: option 5 can be very interesting. On a few occasions, I ask my client to mentally go through all the negative experiences which involved the other party and to imagine that all the negative emotions from those experiences are formed into some kind of energy ball. Normally I either tap on them as they are doing this, or they are doing KC chop and I'm surrogate tapping on them.

Once done, I would check with the client on the colour and size of the energy ball. Then I instruct the client to send the energy ball to the other party, with the suggestion that the moment the other party touches the energy ball, he would experience those feelings that the energy ball is made up of. I make it very clear that the purpose is not to make the other party feel bad, but for him to understand the consequences of his actions.

For those who are extremely resistant and still remain indifferent to the energy ball, I ask the client to send the energy ball into their chest. The latter method works almost all the time and the other party almost always shows signs of understanding and repentance afterwards.

Of course, we don't make the other party carry the energy ball for the rest of his life as punishment even if some clients might like that to happen (grin). Once the other party shows repentance or understanding, I ask the client to retrieve the ball and as we tap, I tell the client to visualize the energy ball entering a stream of healing light and dissolving in it. Some clients prefer to hand the energy ball to God or whichever Divine Form they believe in.

Usually, I ask the client to repeat the forming of the energy ball a few times and sending each one to the light. This seems like a very quick way of collapsing many table legs at one go, and normally, each subsequent energy ball is lighter in colour and smaller. For example, a client described her 1st ball as black and very large. Her 2nd ball was brown and smaller. Her 3rd one was transparent and even smaller. After sending them to the light, she reported feeling much lighter.

Last but not least, once understanding is reached and the client no longer feels negatively towards the other party, the therapist can bring it further by asking the client how he has developed spiritually as a result of the other party's actions. Even if the client is unable to think of anything, the therapist can suggest for the client to be grateful and thank the other party just for being present at the dialogue and helping the client with his healing. Aside from forgiveness, gratitude is one of the most powerful tools for healing and it doesn't hurt to throw this into the session as a bonus!

In general, I personally try not to be overly directive in telling the client or the other party what to say. In some cases, I do nothing except to surrogate tap for the relationship between the two and say "A, respond", "B, respond" until a natural conclusion is reached. Of course, in other cases, I may need to prompt either side to steer the dialogue into a positive direction but this is not always necessary as I believe that the client's subconscious mind is always ready to give the client whatever he needs for healing, and my job is merely to provide the safe space and surrogate tapping, and very minimal direction.

This kind of creative visualization together with tapping is very fun to do! It's almost like entering into the client's fantasy world where you never know what's going to happen, except that with EFT, you know that there would always be a happy ending.

Luv, Lena

Follow-up Info

As I have received a few emails about my article on Dialoguing with EFT where some of them expressed interest in this therapy combination and wanted to know how I did it, I thought I would share some of the guidelines I use in facilitating imaginary dialogues.

First of all, I find it very useful to always check for the other party's expression. This would give me a clue as to how well received the client's words were and the amount of tension between the two parties. If the expression is negative, I normally tap with the client for e.g. Even though he looks angry, I deeply and completely accept myself anyway", before I allow the other party to respond. I do this because we are usually triggered by another person's negative emotions, and tapping would allow the client to be more neutral and receptive to the other party's response.

Second, the client's words should focus on consequences of the other person's actions on himself. If the client starts preaching towards the other party or asking the other party to change, gently guide the client to focus on how the other party has made him feel. The intention is to allow the client to acknowledge his own feelings and be given the chance to ventilate. If the client is inhibited about doing so due to perhaps fear of offending the other party, TAP! Make sure that the client is fully done before giving the other party a chance to respond.

Third, when the other party responds, make sure the other party does not criticize or demean the client, but to explain the reasons behind his actions. If necessary, prompt with questions like, "Did your parents bring you up to be this way?", "What experiences did you go through in your life that made you behave in this manner?". One very useful question to use is, "Did you want to make the client feel this way on purpose?" Usually the answer is no, and the other party would automatically want to elaborate on the cause behind his actions.

Fourth, if the other party remains resistant and refuses to communicate, ask the client to check if there are any dark areas on the other party's body that indicate blockages of any kind. Depending on client's preference, the therapist could (1) lead the client to tap for his own feelings in response to the other party's resistance, (2) lead the client to tap for the other party's blockages, and sometimes it would reduce or even clear up, (3) dialogue with the other party's blockage through the client to gain understanding about the other party's issues, (4) invite the other party's guardian angels (or whatever term that feels right to therapist and client) to help facilitate the dialogue, (5) ask the client to project his feelings directly into the other party. Possibilities are limited only to the therapist's own creativity.

Note: option 5 can be very interesting. On a few occasions, I ask my client to mentally go through all the negative experiences which involved the other party and to imagine that all the negative emotions from those experiences are formed into some kind of energy ball. Normally I either tap on them as they are doing this, or they are doing KC chop and I'm surrogate tapping on them.

Once done, I would check with the client on the colour and size of the energy ball. Then I instruct the client to send the energy ball to the other party, with the suggestion that the moment the other party touches the energy ball, he would experience those feelings that the energy ball is made up of. I make it very clear that the purpose is not to make the other party feel bad, but for him to understand the consequences of his actions.

For those who are extremely resistant and still remain indifferent to the energy ball, I ask the client to send the energy ball into their chest. The latter method works almost all the time and the other party almost always shows signs of understanding and repentance afterwards.

Of course, we don't make the other party carry the energy ball for the rest of his life as punishment even if some clients might like that to happen (grin). Once the other party shows repentance or understanding, I ask the client to retrieve the ball and as we tap, I tell the client to visualize the energy ball entering a stream of healing light and dissolving in it. Some clients prefer to hand the energy ball to God or whichever Divine Form they believe in.

Usually, I ask the client to repeat the forming of the energy ball a few times and sending each one to the light. This seems like a very quick way of collapsing many table legs at one go, and normally, each subsequent energy ball is lighter in colour and smaller. For example, a client described her 1st ball as black and very large. Her 2nd ball was brown and smaller. Her 3rd one was transparent and even smaller. After sending them to the light, she reported feeling much lighter.

Last but not least, once understanding is reached and the client no longer feels negatively towards the other party, the therapist can bring it further by asking the client how he has developed spiritually as a result of the other party's actions. Even if the client is unable to think of anything, the therapist can suggest for the client to be grateful and thank the other party just for being present at the dialogue and helping the client with his healing. Aside from forgiveness, gratitude is one of the most powerful tools for healing and it doesn't hurt to throw this into the session as a bonus!

In general, I personally try not to be overly directive in telling the client or the other party what to say. In some cases, I do nothing except to surrogate tap for the relationship between the two and say "A, respond", "B, respond" until a natural conclusion is reached. Of course, in other cases, I may need to prompt either side to steer the dialogue into a positive direction but this is not always necessary as I believe that the client's subconscious mind is always ready to give the client whatever he needs for healing, and my job is merely to provide the safe space and surrogate tapping, and very minimal direction.

This kind of creative visualization together with tapping is very fun to do! It's almost like entering into the client's fantasy world where you never know what's going to happen, except that with EFT, you know that there would always be a happy ending.

Luv, Lena